Is Love just an Arsenal of Positive Illusions?
What is love, really?
I am alive like you, and I am standing beside you. Close your eyes and look around, you will see me in front of you. Kahlil Gibran
We have fantastic impressions of love borrowed from the imaginary palace. Most are unrealistic, dreamy examples of romantic love. We perceive this love as a mysterious force that gives us wings and magnificent feelings which we strive to prolong.
We cherish the frolicsome, effervescent love. It’s light, it’s fun and it connects us, at least for a while.
It also makes us a tad insane and irrational thanks to those fabulous love chemicals and hormones. The thought of another is obsessively planted into our minds and the wanting of that person takes us beyond normal functioning. The brain and mind within the throes of romantic love are a bit like Jekyll and Hyde wherein many versions of extraordinary and often undesirable behaviour manifest. Extreme behaviour in the name of love, at one end, can lead to murder, at the other, for example, it led artist Genesis P-Orridge and partner Jacqueline Breyer to plastic surgery and hormone replacement therapy in an attempt to become ‘one’.
We long to include others as part of ourselves because we believe that what we are, is not enough. This need works against the true nature of love as we look to others to fulfil our happiness and we become deeply entangled as a result.
Romantic love is extremely unpredictable and can leave us feeling exposed and vulnerable. We form multiple delusions in our mind to prepare ourselves to take on or avoid risks. Risks that may result in either wonderful gains or dreadful losses — poor Charlie!
Romantic love is also highly addictive. The drive and energy that pulses through our veins are sure to direct us toward mating and away from rational decision-making.
Mating, and then the development of a relationship, can be quite a volatile experience. It starts with fireworks and often ends in fireworks.
Most people have experienced pain and suffering at the hand of love, or so we perceive. That is because human beings are limited and often hijacked by our lower nature which distorts and misaligns love. Our love waxes and wanes comes and goes, changes form and is often completely lacking. When we venture a little too far from the true nature of love, bound we are, to experience a little shove from life to get us reconfigured. This was definitely the case for me (read about it here) and then I started to ask, what is love, really?
In a relationship, we tend to develop a mutually beneficial, transactional affair to extract our needs and wants from another. Often we emotionally cling to others in a misguided search for self, or a blind wish for possession or a subconscious attempt to resolve or replay the relationship with our parents. These relationships rarely work in the long-term because beggars cannot be lovers and nobody really wants their parents in their romantic life.
Most experts agree that a relationship requires a playful mix of passion, intimacy and commitment. In addition, over the long-term, it needs empathy, emotional control and an arsenal of positive illusions.
This is not love though, this is the strategy. We do these things to develop and sustain a healthy relationship.
We can try to be loving and try to make our intimate relationships work and last. Perhaps we seek relationship advice or introduce novel date ideas or reorganise our lives to make a long distance relationship work. Or we sincerely attempt to boost our relationships with the right dose of love language to meet our partner’s needs. The problem with all this is, that it is very difficult to try to be loving and actually succeed.
The reason is that we are starting with a foundation that is weak in love. More precisely, we attempt to use a foundation that is not connected with real love but rather with some loose experience or idea on what love is. Like some pre-fabricated how-to-love recipe you might find on the internet.
So, let’s be clear…True love is not an emotion and it is not a social obligation. Love is not something you have to try to do, influence or strive for; it is self-existent.
We must first cultivate ourselves for love within and then love will express itself.
An effective approach to this would be one that starts with honesty and self-acceptance. An honest evaluation of where we are at, who we are right now in relation to our measure of love and how we can honestly express that. The honest approach avoids the costly mistake of self-reproach due to self-denial and rejection.
Many times I have tried to be loving — to match my idea of loving — of what a loving person says and does. But I always ended up feeling guilty and useless because it just wasn’t where I was at. Like I would try to give love to everyone I met, but despite my smiling face, I was incapable. A judgement or random distracting thoughts running freely in my mind squashed my efforts. I wasn’t present with the other person or I didn’t accept them as they were. Then afterwards, I berated myself for not living up to my promise. What started as an attempt to be loving, finished at self-hating. Hmm?
I don’t know about you, but I definitely experience greater suffering when I approach life with a whipping stick to control or direct my fortunes.
A wise person rather recognises the necessity to create favourable conditions that allow what is there to arise and blossom.
Oh, the lessons of life hey!
Love naturally emanates when it is conducive; we cannot force it and we cannot coerce it. Love is always there. Love is born of love and gives of itself.
We cannot think our way into love; and love is not known by those whose minds are rampant, plagued and coated with a thick layer of plaque. These are burdens that disguise the nearness of love. It is our work then to develop stability and presence that allows love to shine.
What is love then?
I know, you want clarity.
First of all, true Love is an inward experience and not a behaviour or emotion.
And love is most certainly a mysterious and magnificent force, but it is not always wrapped in a pretty package.
Its purpose is to free us from the shackles we create in attempting to live our lives in separation. The spiritual nature of man represents our genuine source of love. It is a far greater love because it is not limited to those we feel some attraction toward. It includes all, without fear, without any ill will; and it is deeply fulfilling. It, therefore, provides us with a greater purpose.
It is through the investigation and unravelling of our inner world that brings forth real love. When we prepare ourselves and our fantasies fall away, our relationships become naturally beautiful and inclusive, as they are.
No illusions.
Love is the natural essence within which “we” become “one”.
Thanks for reading, I truly hope you got something out of it.
Go to A Love Bug for more articles on love, life and the incredibleness of you.
